So, as a test I thought I’d try and test the app ‘Find my iPhone’.

There I am with my iPad 2 in my right hand, and 5 centimetres away in my left hand I have my iPhone 5S – Super. I then try and locate my iPhone (which has the Find my iPhone app installed, logged in and activated). I use my iPad, select my iPhone from the menu, select Action and then press ‘Play Sound’. I try this 5 or 6 times – nothing.

My iPhone has a maximum 3G signal, maximum Wi-Fi, full battery power and do I hear a pinging sound? Do I fuck. Not a single fucking thing at all.

However, if I wake the phone up by pressing the Home button and then using my fingerprint to log in – BING, BING, BING!

Fucking super. So as long as I have my phone in my other hand, with the phone activated and logged in with my fingerprint I can get my phone to play a sound – Well that’s just fucking stunning guys, really, really great programming.

If my phone was 1 cm away from me but hidden under a blanket I’d never find it again.

Q. I’m using my iPad to locate my iPhone which when I’m at home is constantly being misplaced under a pillow and blanket a cushion and a dozen other things.

I select the name of my iPhone, select Actions and then select Play Sound. All I get back is a message on my iPad that (paraphrasing) your iPhone will next play a sound when it’s connected to the Internet – Not helpful in the slightest.

On this particular occasion my phone was in my back pocket. It had full battery, maximum 4G signal and about 80% Wi-Fi signal strength – and yet nothing happened, not a single beep.

However, when I logged into my iPhone and then open a browser app it suddenly starts beeping. I fail to see how this is useful in any way whatsoever. You mean to ‘find my iphone’ I actually have to find my iPhone, login, connect to the Internet and then open a browser? I mean if my iPhone actually does get lost how on Earth is this app supposed to help me in any way?

A. Ah. This is actually quite a common question. What you need to do on the Find My iPhone app on your actual iPhone is to make sure that you have logged in using your Apple ID username and password. Also (if any messages pop up once you’re logged in) that all communications are allowed through. Make sure that the ‘Find My iPhone’ app is allowed to use your Data plan in Settings. Also I would advise ‘allow your iPhone to transmit it’s location for up to 24 hours after the battery runs out’ is selected.

Any problems just post below in the comments.